Sunday, October 26, 2008

My Candidacy For President of the United States

After much thought and consideration, I am happy to announce that I am officially running for President of the United States for this election. Elizabeth and I were going through the California voting guide the other night, and we were able to pick votes for every race except President of the United States. As a compromise, we decided that I should make a run for the White House.

Simply put, the alternatives were disappointing. Obama is just terrifying. I've never been a fan of McCain, starting his asinine promotion of one of the most blatant attacks on First Amendment Rights in the history of the country. Elizabeth doesn't like Palin, although I'm somewhat neutral on her. Biden is a moron who I wouldn't trust to run a donut shop, let alone the entire country.

We then looked at 3rd party Candidates. The Libertarian candidate, Bob Barr, is a former Republican who I've never had much of an opinion of. He's uninspiring at best. Ron Paul is a popular "small l" libertarian who has a massive, if not a little cultish, grassroots following. I'm inclined to like him but for two reasons. First, he's a foreign policy isolationist. In today's world, that's just not realistic. Second, he's not on the California ballot, which means you'd have to write him in. If you're going to write in a candidate, why not just vote for me instead?

The Green party candidate, Cynthia McKinney, is certifiably insane, racist, and completely unhinged. All of the other candidates were similarly blah.

So, about me... I'm 35 and was born in Kalamazoo Michigan, so I'm eligible. Here is my platform.

  • I promise you NOTHING. If you want something, go earn it.
  • I plan on spending most of my time in office traveling the country, trying to find the best sushi and pork ribs.
  • I promise to put working families first by doing things that make that happen.
  • There will be a pack of at least a dozen dachshunds on the White House lawn, supplementing the Secret Service protection.
  • I promise to cut tax rates for anyone who actually PAYS taxes, and to institute a minimal income tax for ALL Americans, even the poor. It's important to be invested in the government which can control you.
  • I will create jobs by making riveting speeches about the importance of connecting with the middle-class. America is ready for jobs.
  • Government spending for all non-military departments will be cut 15% across the board. There has to be at least that much waste in every part of the government. Tough economic times require sacrifice from everyone, including politicians.
  • I will use my power and influence to get 50 yard line seats to all home USC Football games.
  • I will retroactively veto the "Bailout", even if it's not legally binding.
  • I will work hard to do lots of things that I can't think of now, but are sure to be important to the future of America. Americans want these things, they're for the children.
Vote for ERICH for President. It's easy, it's futile, it's FUN!!!


Anonymous said...

At last, a platform that I can support without reservation! Go for it!

Meanwhile, the fact that I have a son who's old enough to run for President is a bit thought-provoking...


Dad said...

Oops! Didn't mean that to show up as "anonymous"...

BTW, I'm off to Orlando for a conference this week. I'll keep an eye out for those crates of "hanging chads"...